But I want it all NOW!!!

All I want is to make a difference...

Somehow.  Somewhere.  Some time.  To someone.


I want to be able to help people live healthy, happy, harmonious lives.

But shouldn't I do that for myself first?  Shouldn't I lead by example, and create that kind of life for myself, for my family, before jumping headlong into doing it for others?

Yes, of course I should.  Actually, I am working on it.

But I want to follow my dreams NOW!
I even know how to get there, hard work and all!   I even have a business name and bare bones business plan....PLEASE! Please? 

And then I remember life.  You know - the everyday stuff that is...life.  And money.     

Generally you need money to follow your dreams. 

a) I need money to start the course(s) I want to do.
b) I need a job to get money.
c) It looks like I also need a car to get a job that suits or fits in with the other stuff in my life (kids/ballet/cricket/home) - they all either require a car or are located too far away or public transport won't get me back to school pick up in time, etc.

Then there is the debt we have to pay off.  Oh yeah, and bills!

We are not in any crazy debt by any means, but I am pretty sure my husband would prefer we pay off a chunk of the credit card before we commit ourselves to anymore debt such as buying a second car, or course fees!

Boring!  Dreams are so much more fun!

So, what to do - besides get a job?

Can I still make a difference in the meantime?
Can I make a start on helping people live a healthy and happy life?  

YES.  In fact, I think I've already started...  When I started this blog, people wrote to me and told me how I have helped them.  When I started learning about food and good nutrition, people would ask me for advice - or I'd give it unsolicited and occassionally not offend someone... 

I still have my blog, and though my audience is not huge, as long as I have access to a computer, I can continue to tell my story.  For this journey is a work in progress and the nature of my mind is such that I may not always be healthy and happy myself, so I have to work at it everyday.  Sharing my struggles and how I get through them - this is how I can help.  For now.     

If my story resonates with someone else enough for them to make a change in their life, then I have made a difference.  If my story gets you talking about your story, then I have made a difference.  If you quit sugar and eat more walnuts, then I have made a difference!!

We can all make a difference by continuing to talk about depression - openly and without fear of judgement or reprise.  We can all make a difference by being teachers to those who don't understand or still hold ridiculous, backward views about mental illness.  We can teach them that there is nothing to be ashamed of if there is something wrong with your brain, the same as if you break a leg, or need your appendix removed.  

As long as we keep on talking about mental illness, we can make a difference in someone elses life.  I have said this from the start, and I stand by it now.  

No stigma.  No worries. 

I can make more of a difference later.  When I have the money, time and qualifications to do the kind of more I want to do.  I can still dream too - make them clearer, bigger, better!

Now, where's the paper?  I gots to find me a job!  

Yours dreaming big,

                Mummy in Disguise
                                                      xoxo

Hormone Madness...

Sorry to all the blokes out there that might read my blog, but today's post comes with a warning:

*Warning.  This topic is rated M.  For Menstruation.  Reader discretion is recommended.  The feint-hearted, squeamish and uncomfortable should avert their eyes and stop reading NOW. 

You have been warned.

I know I have mentioned before that I was having major irregular periods over the last 18-24 months, to the point where the Doctor thought I may have been peri-menopausal.

I know I have also mentioned that I went off the pill about four months ago, to see what my body does in it's natural state.


Well, I am happy to report that periods have been spot on.

I am NOT happy to report that my hormones are definitely NOT so spot on.  Crazy is a word that comes to mind.

PMS.  Dammit.  [Insert expletive laden rant here.]


I am achy, seriously cranky with a barely there fuse, teary, tired and generally just very....yuck.  I feel like I am on the verge of snapping at any moment and God rest the poor soul of whoever might be on the receiving end of that...  I don't feel like being around my kids either, and I have no patience for their fights and arguments. 

None.  AT ALL. 

I just want to sleep all day.  Hide under the doona until it passes and I am free to be happy me again.  That is what I WANT to do, but life must go on, DAMMIT.

I am soooo not liking this aspect of my natural, pill free body, but I just have to remember that the good certainly outweighs the bad.  Especially now that there is a safety alert on my pill, which you can read about here.


In all seriousness, does anyone else suffer from PMS like this?  Or worse? 

I don't doubt that there are many of you who suffer worse, as I may have inherited a tendancy to exageration from my father.  BUT, right now, it feels like the worst in the world.


In my twenties I barely had any symptoms and in my thirties I started developing pains that alerted me to the fact that my period was coming, so this extreme feels a little new and overwhelming to me.

How do you cope?  Got any tips? 

The only blessing is that for me it is quite obviously PMS and not an episode of deeper depression - thank goodness!  I guess there is a silver lining to the psychotic, perpetual muncher I tranform into every 3-4 weeks.  Maybe I can create some sort of superhero character out of her?  Like - multi-tasking is my power: able to save children from a burning building, eat chocolate cake AND answer stupid questions in a single bound...  one can dream...

I am very much looking forward to this being over.  So is my husband. 

Rant over,

             Mummy in Disguise
                                                  xoxo
  

Cooking is good for my soul...

I love to cook.  I love to cook for other people.  I enjoy seeing other people enjoy my food.  I love dinner parties and BBQs, parties and gatherings in general.

And not just for the copious amount of wine I would usually drink at said gathering, but for the planning leading up to it where I get to plan out a menu and sometimes even a theme if the occasion calls for it!

The kids birthday parties have been my favourite and most stressful times all at once, and every year I would go back for more and do it all over again.  The theming has got less extravagent as they have gotten older, but I already know what their themes will be for this years birthdays - and I already have ideas on how to make it 'hidden healthy':)  

You see, as I am studying this year, my family will be my guinea pigs, my crash test dummies!  I am determined to make better lunch box choices for my kids this year and I have already gotten off to a good start...  Let's not forget that spending time in the kitchen after planning a menu is like therapy for me.  Bring on the happy hormones :-)

Today I spent the whole day in the kitchen.  This is my after photo:

This photos shows what I have been preparing for the freezer for the next few weeks of school lunches.  Normally I would have made two loaves worth of sandwiches, but I have vowed to reduce the number of sandwich days per week this year in an effort to get them to eat more good carbs from fruit and vegetables.  

I want us all to eat as clean and whole as we can.  I want us to eat as close to nature as possible, or use ingredients as close to nature as possible.

Funny thing is, we got a pizza oven from my parents for Christmas, and a bread machine as a going away present!  Not fazed by this, we are allowed treats - preferably of the gluten free variety!!!

So back to cooking - did I mention I love it?!

Did I mention also, that I don't looove it?  You know, I love it, but if I have to cook dinner every night, I might just kill someone with my sharpest butter knife?
 
Hubby's new job means that he isn't home in time to cook dinner during the week.  Which is fine because I am cooking mostly paleo recipes, so I want to be in control of at least 80% of the cooking.  He has been great though in cooking on the weekends.  This too makes me happy!  It also gives me time to get in the kitchen and cook up a storm, but without dinner being part of the package.  I meal plan, so he doesn't have to think too much, but he does wing it with what I imagine he calls 'normal' food.

So what did I cook today?

Today I prepared:

- Bliss Balls (also known as Energy Balls)
- Popcorn
- Egg / Zucchini Slice
- Magic Cookie Bars (Grain/dairy/gluten free)
- Paleo Candy
- Paleo Pikelets
- Sausages
- Chicken Wings/drumettes

For those of you that don't know about Paleo, it is also known as the caveman diet, or primal eating. Just something I am looking into as part of eating a clean diet, but basically you eat protein, fruit and veg, nuts and seeds.  Some butter is allowed, but it is mostly about coconut oil, olive oil, all those beautiful, good fats our body needs.  That means, no other dairy, no grains, no legumes. I don't know if I would be able to convert to this kind of lifestyle 100%, but I find the science behind it very interesting and the recipes themselves are tasty and easy to make.  Winning :-)

I started to take photos today, but then the weather warnings started so it was just "let's get these babies cooked and stored before we lose any power!"

The popcorn, pikelets and egg slice have been staple lunchbox fillers for the last few years.  I have made Bliss Balls before and the kids turned their noses up, but they tasted them again and Boom - I love how their tastebuds change!

The sausages and chicken nibbles will be served up with crunchy vegetables or salad.  They seem excited by this idea, so my fingers are crossed that we will be able to keep up with it.  

I have shared the link to the website where I got the Paleo recipes from below, however here are some pictures of the Magic Cookie Bars in progress....

 


 First, I assembled all my ingredients.  I actually made a slight change in the recipe and included apricots instead of another nut or seed.

Then I prepared the base while the coconut milk was simmering.  It is a tad sticky, but stay with it, it will cover the whole base of the pan.



These are the before cooking and finished product shots!

So yummy, I just hope the kids like it!



My Paleo Candy went into the fridge to chill looking like this: 

I added Chia Seeds to the original recipe and I would probably add more of a wet binding ingredient next time as a result, but they are delish :-)

There are HEAPS of websites out there with suggestions for school lunches.  I don't like most of them because they NEVER look realistic.  They always look way too "placed" and perfect.  No mother has Most mothers don't have time for that in the morning, and I know I am too tired to put in that much effort the night before!!

However, the suggestions at www.kidspot.com.au and Taste.com are pretty good and not as "out there" as some of things I have made today!  

If you have food issues, then the Additive Free Pantry is a great resource.

Other things I will try this year include mini meatballs, tuna patties, leftovers (an oldie but a goodie!), sausage rolls, homemade muesli bars, muffins and healthy slices.  Fruit is a must in our lunchboxes and I don't send dairy to school anymore, especially if there is no fridge.  As long as there is a kitchen in my house, I will be baking and cooking better foods for their lunchboxes!  And enjoying every minute of my kitchen therapy sessions!!

What do you give your kids for school lunches?    If you have anything you would like to share, please do, I would love more ideas and recipes on the subject.

Yours in baking heaven,

                      Mummy in Disguise
                                                            xoxo  

All Paleo Recipes were sourced in part or whole from the following sites:

PaleOMG
Balanced Bites
Paleo Plan

Tell me how you really feel...

Hubby is snoring on the couch - give him a break he has just finished a midnight to 7am shift! 

DD is eating toast in front of the telly and DS has "gone back to bed".

I am next to DH on the lounge, lap top resting on a tray on my lap, still in my pj's...

This is our Sunday morning.  The last Sunday morning of 2012. 

I SHOULD get up, get dressed, clean the kitchen, put on some laundry and get ready to transfer the last of the Daintree Vanilla items over to my parents house...

I SHOULD do the baking that I had wanted to do yesterday so that I can start to use up my pantry items before we leave....

I SHOULD text my friend to find out the details of her farewell/NYE party/DD birthday party tomorrow...

I SHOULD pack...

So much to do....  Yet here I am writing and trying to work out how I feel.

What is this feeling?

Tiredness?
Stress?
Hunger? 
Stress disguised as hunger?

Sadness.

Yep, I think the sadness has kicked in.  Not the depressive kind though. 

Just the "OMG I am about to leave the safety and comfort of my beautiful friends behind.  I am about to leave my family right when things are lovely and settled (for a change)....OMG!!!"

With this sadness, a little doubt has also crept in - is this the right thing for us?  Have we made the right decision?  Of course, I know that I feel this doubt purely as a result of moving out of my comfort zone.  

We have absolutely made the right decision for us!  Moving will allow DH to progress in his industry and follow his passions.  I will be able to start the new path I have been wanting to start for a while now, following my own passions and dreams.  The kids are young enough to tag along for the ride!

More doors will open for us, more oportunities will come our way.

As much as moving is scary and sad, 

staying where we are feels.... scary and sad!  

Moving has now become more than just about the work for DH.  It represents our chance to "give it a go", to follow our dreams... 

Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed being a part of the family business, as tiring and consuming as it can be. I have learnt so much and I now know that I can build a business from scratch, which is what I want to do, eventually, but in my own chosen field! 

All I know is that something had to give.  There is absolutely no way I could continue with the life I was living into 2013.  Change had to come and a big part of me thinks that it had to be this extreme.  I could not continue to work a job, work the business, fit in family time around both of those, look after the family and house (which I was failing at by the way!) AND try looking after myself (also epic fail!).  I was always busy and always rushing to get somewhere. 

No one got how I did it!  Truth is, neither do I - I just did it!  

I looked like I had it all together, like I was organised and in control, but people only see a snapshot of your life, or what I let them see.  In reality, I was only just holding it together. I also knew that if I kept on like that I was going to fall apart in spectacular fashion, and soon! 

We had already made some decisions within the business that was going to give me some time back, and this gave me space in my head to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Then when DH proposed the idea of moving, I could see that it was what was required to create positive, uplifting change in all areas of our lives - body, mind and spirit.

So I will sit with my sadness as long as I need to, for I am saying "see ya later" to some beautiful and special people.

But I will banish the doubt and instead let the excitement and anticipation set in... There is no room for doubt in my head nor my moving boxes!

Bring on the change I say, isn't that what 2013 is all about?

What is your change for the new year?  I am not talking about resolutions either.  I want to know what dreams you will be chasing, what passions will you follow?  If you don't have an answer for me, then think hard and think bigger... having goals, dreams and passions are what keep us going.  One of my favourite quotes is

"those with goals succeed and those who succeed have goals"

Resolutions are just something we say at the start of the year, but very rarely follow through on.  Change it to a goal, with a plan of attack to acheive that goal and you have action.  Completing your goals gets you closer to reaching your dream, your ultimate goal, step by step. 

Like I said, if you don't have an answer, then get thinking and dreaming my friends....  my next post will be about creating a vision board - I'll even share mine with you (scary!).

Until then, make some notes, find your passion and fill me in!
 
Yours on the road to adventure,

                  Mummy in Disguise
                                                      xoxo

Still here... (pneumonia, packing & parties!)

The apocalypse came and went without so much as an awakening of higher consciousness...
Christmas breezed by without too much fuss (for a nice change) ...
New Years is looking like it is going to be huge...

Yet the lead up to these events, or lack thereof in one case, was... well I can't find one word to describe this time for my family, but we came out the other end of our mostly first world problems relatively unscathed!

My baby girl had been fighting a cough for a week or so at the end of the school term.  She is as stubborn as her mother sometimes!  She didn't have any other symptoms and it didn't sound like too bad a cough until we hit the last few days of school.  I had already booked her in for a Doctor's appointment on this last day, but she woke up feeling worse, so she didn't quite make it to school.  Hubby took her in for the last hour of the school morning tea and final parade, but she sat with him the whole time, just watching.  Normally we wouldn't have taken her in like this but as we are moving next year, we wanted to give her a chance to say good-bye to friends and teachers.

We didn't know that just over three hours later she would be on her way to the hospital in an ambulance.

DD lungs - the wispy/fuzzy bits that look like fairy floss is pneumonia

Turns our my baby girl had pneumonia. 

Did you know that pneumonia still has a 30% mortality rate?

We were at the hospital for over four hours and she was diagnosed with mild to moderate pneumonia.  Which means that she wasn't sick enough to stay at hospital (where beds are like hen's teeth), but she was sick enough to need a check up the next day.  However seeing as it was Friday evening - too late to organise a GP appointment now - there was the very real chance that she would be staying in hospital overnight.  Which would have been fine if we weren't having a garage sale the next morning, which I was looking after by myself because DH was working!  And I would have cancelled said sale, despite the ad in the paper, if we weren't moving in less than a month!

Oh what to do???!?!?  We were trying to coordinate picking up DD from hospital, having someone mind the garage sale in the morning for us, who would stay with DD overnight etc, when the Doc came in with good news - the "Nurse in the home" program had received a grant to extend their hours to include the weekend!
This meant DD could go home and would be visited by a nurse the next day, again on Sunday and on Monday we were to come back to see a Pediatrician at the hospital for another chest x-ray and check up.

Did I mention that DD was supposed to go to a few birthday parties on Friday afternoon/Saturday morning?
Yeah, nah....

Did I also mention that we were supposed to have a school friends farewell party at our place on Saturday night?  Cancelled!!!

Did I mention too that I also had a nasty cough?

I had been to the doctor a few days earlier but at that stage it was too early to tell if it was viral or bacterial.  I was given a script though, which I started taking upon learning DD might have pneumonia.  I went back to the Doctor on the Monday because unlike DD, I wasn't feeling any better.  So my doctor gave me the same treatment as Hannah, as if I too had pneumonia!  He said not to bother with the x-ray, let's just treat it like it is... which meant the super strength adult version of drugs that DD was taking!  Oh the joys!

I was given time off work too.... which was great because I had a rental in Brisbane to organise!

Life went back to relative normality after this, well as normal as it gets when you are packing and moving 2000km. Packing, Christmas (presents, parties, punch!) and official unemployment!

Yep, I finished my job on 22 December 2012.  I have handed over to a lovely lady who I was already acquainted with but wish I had gotten to know better a lot sooner!  Funny how life does that....

Unemployment felt strange at first.  I don't have my big bunch of keys that went everywhere with me anymore.  I would have been on holiday this week, so next week will be the real test of how I feel about it, but honestly right now I feel a sense of relief that it is one less thing for me to think about in the lead up to leaving Cairns.

I am no longer stressed about the move - the house is sold, we have a rental in Brisbane, the removalist is booked.  It is all about letting everything take it's course now.

Now that Christmas is over, ANOTHER thing to not have to worry about, it is all about the packing.

And the farewell.

Change of plans with that too, LMAO.  We had planned an adults only drinks at a pub in town, but DH got rostered on for work and can't swap with anyone.  So that is cancelled!  No stress though, all parties were cancelled to make way for a BIG farewell/piss up at our nearly empty house before we leave!!!

So that is why I have been MIA on the blog for the last month or so.

Tomorrow I will tell you all how I actually FEEL about all of this!  LOL

I actually have a LOT I want to share about my plans and goals for 2013.  I am so excited about the future right now, depression seems like a blip in my past.  Even as I just typed those words though, I know they aren't true, but I love when true passion and excitement crowd out everything else and your issues pale into insignificance!  Until tomorrow...

Yours ready to rock,
                            Mummy in Disguise
                                                      xox0

A Little Reminder...

I resigned from my job today.

I have given notice to the 21st December and then that it is for me and that chapter of my life!

I was going to write about how stressed I am about this whole moving 2000 km business, but then we got an offer on the house yesterday.  I now have nothing to complain about....

So in the spirit of "Thanksgiving" in the US, I thought I would remind you all about the Art of Gratitude and how it can impact your lives, especially those who may not be feeling so great at the moment or this time of year.

So how can you start to be grateful, or cultivate gratitude in your life right now?  Here are a few simple things that you can do to get you started...


- Stop to smell the roses...
Take 5 minutes to stop and notice your surroundings.  Being mindful of what you have is the first step to appreciating what you have.

- Start a journal....
Put pen to paper and list the things you are grateful for.  This is a great way to both start or end the day, but a few minutes any time throughout the day works just as well.  If you don't like lists, then just write what you feel.

- Say "Thank You"
Say Thank You to someone at least once throughout the day.  Make it sincere and meaningful, show someone you truly appreciate what they have done for you.  It could be the Barista that makes your morning coffee or the check-out chick scanning your groceries... Start simple and see how good it feels.

- Look after yourself...
I know, I know, you are trying!  It sounds so clichéd too, but self care is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family.  Eat well - ditch the sugar and processed foods.  Exercise - do what you love or just get out and walk more, preferably in nature.  Sleep well - I know this is easier said than done for some, but go to bed early for at least 8 hours sleep - don't give up!  I want to add "be happy" but this is another easier said than done when you suffer depression.  Happiness does come with being grateful though, so again, don't give up!

- Pay it forward...
Give by being nice to a stranger or random act of kindness, volunteer your time to charity, or become a positive role model through mentoring.  These actions help you give back to the community, it fosters a sense of connectedness to the community or those around you.  This can only be good right?



When you are grateful or show gratitude for all you have, you become healthier, happier and more connected.  It boosts your immunity, reduces stress and eases tension.  It inspires joy and gives you more energy (so you can sleep better at night!).

I would not be where I am today without gratitude.  I love life again, and life loves me.  I am completely grateful for all that I have and the journey I am on.  Every day gets a little bit easier, a little bit better, a little bit clearer.  I understand that for me to be the best person I can be, the best mother I can be, I have to take care of myself.  I have to show my children that I value myself by taking good care of myself - well most of the time anyway!


Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends and family out there, and any readers.  Let us all be grateful for our blessings everyday!

Yours forever thankful,

              Mummy in Disguise
                                               xoxo

Changes ahead....

No I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth.... 

I think I lost my blogging mojo there for a while... 

I often haven't had time to sit and write, and when I have had time, I honestly just didn't feel I could do it...

I have been in a pretty great headspace of late too and I didn't want to rub it in anyone's face either!  BUT I have been missing it, and not writing often enough just gets me stressed out anyway, which makes me think I just lost my mojo more than anything else.

So, as I posted on facebook the other day, we are moving to Brisbane next year!  I don't know where exactly yet, but we are working on getting down there in January and hopefully have that most important detail worked out before we leave!

The enormity of what we will be doing hit me this morning.

PMS hit me on Wednesday.

The combined forces of these two events is something I am quietly likening to Cyclone Yasi in my head.

Don't get me wrong, I am totally excited about our move and the changes ahead for my little family, but moving 2000km is a BIG deal.  Add the threat of depression getting the better of me and I am starting to doubt if I will be able to cope! 

Of course I will cope, I always do, but this morning I just got a tiny bit scared all of a sudden.  Last night I was mumzilla.  All of this has me worried. 

Could this be due to the remarkably bad PMS I am experiencing this month?  OR is it the stress of the last few weeks culminating in my meds not working properly?  Don't know, don't like it!

I haven't been great with the positive thinking and affirmations either the last few days.  It is like there just isn't space in my head for it all.  Driving in to work this morning though I realised that I needed to give myself permission to just feel what ever is it is I am feeling. 

What am I afraid of? 
What is stressing me out so much?
What am I doubting?

Feel all this and then.... let it go.  Then I got to work and until now I haven't given those feelings and questions a second thought.  Gotta love distraction!

So here I am now, bent over in pain with cramps and ovaries that feel like they are being squeezed and tugged in opposite directions.  I mentioned to a friend this morning, who is also experiencing heightened awareness of terrible PMS symptoms, that perhaps all our super clean eating has made us notice and experience the symptoms of PMS so much worse than ever before because we don't have all the processed foods and crap to mask it all and "make us feel better".  If anyone can verify this, by all means fill me in, but with lack of a better explanation, this is what I am sticking with. 

My PMS has shortened my fuse to what feels like the shortest it has ever been.  I have no patience with my children and I yelled at my son yesterday afternoon until my throat hurt.  I haven't been like that in a VERY long time and I hate it.  I scared him, and possible scarred him too.  I apologised this morning and told him I was trying to work out why mummy was feeling so upset and angry, and I promised to try harder not to yell anymore.  He just hugged me tighter. 

So again, I ask - could my sudden fear for the big move and general anger and irritation just be PMS at play here?  I guess I will have to wait until it settles before I will know for sure... 

Until then I will get back to writing, positive thinking and affirmations; and just get on with the business of selling my house and planning the move. 

Ah, I am starting to feel better already, see what writing does for me!!!

Yours affirming that my house IS sold today,

                                                 Mummy in Disguise
                                                                     xoxo